Why I Don't Blog

I was having a conversation with a friend the other day about my blog and how I haven't updated it in a really REALLY long time.  I started thinking about this and truly wondering why I don't like to post on my blog.  This is what I came up with. 

I'm OCD.  There you have it.  I could go into a lot of detail as to what and why.  In a nutshell it has to do with me wanting my blog to be perfect (uniform, funny, current, chronological, witty, interesting, full of pictures, the list goes on and on)  because I'm worried of what people will think of me or my life if it's not all of those things.  And I realized that I've missed the opportunity to write down and remember so many wonderful moments because of this perfectionism.  I want to blog for ME and MY family and stop worrying about what everyone else will think.   So that's what I'm going to do. 

I thought about going private (completely private, like a journal) but decided for now I'd try to just get over this perfectionistic way of thinking so that I can still share what's going on with our friends and family.  This might seem so silly to some people.  I'm not like this with ANYTHING else but for some reason I am with my blog.  So things might be different around here.  If you start to think my blog is annoying, random, disorderly, not funny or even, dare I say it, boring *gasp*  then feel free to find another blog to read.  My feelings won't be hurt...promise.  This is going to be a place for me to write my thoughts, feelings and memories of my life, no matter how disinteresting it may be to you.  That's all for now.  :) 

If you're just here for the news you can skip to the last few paragraphs.  :)  I get a little long winded sometimes...

Heartache & Happiness

That is the perfect title for this post because it describes the past several months of my life perfectly.  My last update 6 months ago was about how I had been feeling a little blah and down in the dumps emotionally.  Well, what I knew at the time but didn’t share with the rest of the world is that it was mostly due to pregnancy related hormone changes. 

Yep, that’s right.  I think most of my closest friends and family knew I was pregnant but I hadn’t made it known to the world yet.  Unfortunately, the heartache of my life came toward the end of my first trimester.  The baby no longer had a heartbeat, even though I heard it pounding loud and clear only a few weeks earlier.  Hearing the ultrasound technician say the words, “the baby doesn’t have a heartbeat” is something I will never forget.  The way I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me is also something I will never forget.  I felt like I could cry for days. 

In the next couple of weeks, however, my mindset changed.  I no longer wanted to dwell on the loss but to understand what had happened and use the experience for good.  I knew I could only find peace if I put it in the Lord’s hands.  So I did.  I think for the first time in my life I was able to be grateful for an extremely difficult trial.  Sure there were some smaller trials in my past that I was able to look on the bright side of and appreciate the lesson there, but never anything big I had gone through.  I usually struggle to not just give up and say, “Why me???”  But my heart was hurting enough that I had to make this into a make me or break me type situation.  And I wanted it to make me. 

Finally, after a lot of prayer, I was able to see how the trial blessed our family in a strange way.  Of course it was not a blessing that we lost the baby but it brought our family closer.  It taught me that it’s okay to accept help sometimes (though I’m still working on this one).  It taught me that there are many people around me that love me and would do anything to help me.  It taught me to truly trust in the Lord and know that families are eternal. 

I know many people choose to keep these things private, and that’s fine.  As for me, I decided that I shouldn’t have to keep this to myself.  I didn’t do anything wrong, why should it be a secret?  I understand that sometimes it is easier if fewer people know so you’re not forced to have awkward conversations repeatedly.  But blogging about it isn’t forcing me to have an awkward conversation.  I can get it all out, express the pain, loss, love and heartbreak that I felt throughout this time in my life. 

I don’t know why we feel like we have to be strong and put on a happy face for the world all the time.  It’s okay to let people know you’re suffering.  It’s okay to ask for help sometimes and it’s definitely okay to not be perfect.  Why are we here if it isn’t to learn from our trials, and help others get through theirs?  These are the lessons I learned from this trial in my life and I wanted to put them out there into the universe because hopefully someone else can benefit from them.

Moving on to the HAPPINESS!  Nate and I are so excited that we’re expecting again.  I am 12 weeks today and due either at the end of May or beginning of June (I’m hoping for May :D).  We’ve already been to the doctor a few times and today we got to hear the heartbeat again (ALWAYS a relief) and see the little one wave to us in the ultrasound.  I think he was saying “Hi, Mom!  Sorry, I’m making you so sick!”  LOL.  Love having babies…HATE being pregnant!  But that’s the price we moms pay, right?  Anything for those little sweeties! 

Here’s the ultrasound from today.  A little fuzzy but you can see the babies hand sticking up and we could literally see it moving back and forth on the monitor like he was waving. 

 I say “he” just by default but we should find out in another 6 weeks what we’re having.  I’ll be sure to let you all know SOON!!  Sorry for the sporadic posting.  One day I’ll be a devoted and passionate blogger but as for now I’m just trying to get through each day alive!  :)  Love to you all!! 

Sometimes life is BLAH…

Ever find yourself feeling overwhelmed and you’re not even sure why???  I don’t completely understand this myself, yet that is how I am feeling.  What do you do when you are in a slump, feeling yucky, tired, unexcited about life?  I could use some suggestions.  (Although I probably already know the answers sometimes hearing them again helps… :D)
P.S. I know, I’m super cool for not updating my blog foorrrevvvER (Sandlot) and then when I do update it’s this lame excuse for a blog post.  But you’ll get over it.  

Idiota: Latin Word for Idiot

Nah, I just made that up.  Spanish, maybe?  I don't really know.  I just didn't want to title this post, "Hey, I'm an IDIOT!" even though that really is what I am.  I also considered the title, "Things That Go *BEEP* in the Night" but decided against it. 

I haven't been sleeping that great for a while now for different reasons.  I've been experiencing some back problems and our bed is getting old and less comfortable.  But one of the main reasons I've been feeling tired is really no ones fault but my own... 

Sunday night (or rather VERY early Monday morning) I was sound asleep until I heard an obnoxiously loud *BEEP* sound.  It took me a second to come to and realize that it was our smoke alarm.  It wasn't beeping constantly, just every minute or so to let us know that the battery was dying.  My first instinct was to smack Nate and say, "Hey, ya big lug, go take care of that!"  BUT I remembered quickly that he had to get up early and go distribute drugs to the people of America, so I didn't.  I also wondered how the heck he slept through that annoying sound!  

In my extremely sleepy state I got up and scrambled to pull the alarm down in the dark and buried the stupid thing under three pillows on the couch & decided I'd deal with it in the morning.  The next morning a friend stopped by to visit and I saw the pillow pile on the couch and remembered the alarm.  I moved it from the couch to the entertainment center so she and I could sit and visit and I intended on taking it apart once she had left.  But the thing never made a peep so I forgot about...all day long it sat quietly, just waiting for us to go to bed, get cozy and warm and fall into a deep and wonderful slee ZzzZzzzzzZzzzz........ *BEEP*!!!!!

It woke me up again!  So I repeated the same ordeal as the night before; scramble out of bed, freeze, grumble to myself as I walk to the entertainment center, try to find it in the dark, knock over a pile of dvd's...

Anyway, you get the picture.  And again I threw the loathsome, stupid thing on the couch and buried it under pillows VOWING that this time I would take care of it in the morning and I stumbled my way back to bed.  

Fast forward to the next morning....

I had just finished rushing around getting Nate off to work while Tanner played in the living room.  Nate had just left and all of a sudden I hear

*BEEP*BEEP*BEEP*BEEP*BEEP!

Tanner had found the dumb thing under the pillows and pressed the button to make it go off.  We were both going to be deaf soon so I hurried and grabbed it from him hit the button to make it stop and set it on the entertainment center so I could pick Tanner up since it had startled him.  Bet you can't guess what happened next......Yep, I forgot about it...again.  So basically it went like this again that night:

ZzzzZZzzzz.... *BEEP!* DANGIT!!!!!! 

So after three stupid nights of losing sleep because of my inability to just remember to take out one little battery, Nate took it out for me this morning and I am looking forward to getting a nice rest tonight.  GOOD NIGHT! 

 

First Flight

Please forgive my long windedness...I have never been known to tell a short story.  Bear with me because it is a pretty fun story. 

We had the wonderful opportunity to fly to my sister's place in Texas last weekend for under $100 round trip for all three of us.  (Thank you, Southwest Airlines!)  Tanner of course flew for free and it was his very first flying experience...and what an experience it was!!!  I have to blog about it because it was CUH!!! RAY!!! ZEE!!!!  Read on....

The flight to El Paso from Phoenix is really short...less than an hour.  And it seemed even shorter on the way over because Tanner kept us busy.  I made sure to change his diaper right before we boarded the plane but of course he had a huge MESSY blowout diaper just as soon as we took off.  The flight attendant told us we could get up and change him when the plane leveled off at cruising altitude.  So we waited patiently for 15 minutes or so.  Then we got up to change the diaper and it seriously took about 20 minutes.  I know that sounds pathetic but it seriously was up to his shoulder blades!  It was yucky! I had to change his entire outfit not to mention practically BATHE him with wipes!  Plus I was standing in a tiny little 1 1/2 foot square room.  I could tell the stewardess really loved us. 

We hadn't even left the bathroom when the pilot came on and said we were starting to descend into El Paso.  Um, what?  We've been in this bathroom the whole flight???  Granted we still had to descend for about 15 more minutes but it seemed so short.  Oh and guess what...as soon as we sat down and buckled up Tanner pooped again.  Yep!  Thanks, little man!  :)

The time we spent at my sister's was 98% perfect.  We had a really good time!  The 2% is for Sunday when Tanner threw up on me right after drinking a bottle of milk.  Then a little later we attempted to feed him again and we thought he was going to keep it down so we put him down for a nap only to find him covered in barf when he woke up.  Poor kid!  Nate was awesome and took care of him so I could still do all the fun stuff with my sister since I don't get to see her that often.  Nate is wonderful like that and he totally took one for the team.   

Now comes part two of the flying story...the best part!  We arrived at the airport to find out that our flight had been delayed two hours.  We were originally supposed to land in Phoenix around 9 PM but our flight wasn't even going to take off until 9:30!  Keep in mind Nate was scheduled to work early the next morning.  We were kinda bummed but it was still okay.  Once our plane finally arrived we boarded and flew all the way to Phoenix.

Tanner was pretty good on the flight home and didn't cry too much until we got close to Phoenix and that's when it started.  All of you who live in the greater Phoenix area, remember that super windy storm that blew through town Monday night? Imagine being in the air during that. It was so scary!  Every time a gust of wind came we would bounce so high and Tanner would just start crying and crying!  Nate was sitting in the window seat and told me when he could see the Dbacks stadium and other landmarks.  I just kept telling myself that we were almost there and singing songs in Tanner's ear to soothe him.

Next thing I know, Nathan told me that we had passed Phoenix.  About that time the pilot came on the speaker and told us that we had to circle around for a while because the winds were too strong to land right now and if it didn't clear up we'd possibly have to divert to Tucson.  We thought this was bad news but we didn't know ANYTHING yet.  So we just flew around for about 5-10 minutes and then we started going faster and climbing higher again so we assumed that meant we were going to Tucson after all.  But we were so wrong.  The pilot came on and told us that we were going to...guess where....EL PASO!!!  Where we had just left!  UGH!!  This was so frustrating.  Tanner was SO tired and I felt so bad for the poor little guy.  Not to mention Nate who had to work the next morning. 

We landed in El Paso about an hour later and a customer service rep. came on the plane and told those of us who were just going to Phoenix (it was just a layover for some) to stay on the plane because the storm had blown over and we could fly back to Phoenix.  We still had to wait a while for a new pilot because ours had timed out.  Nate and I debated just staying the night so Tanner could get some sleep but we trudged on.  Luckily our SECOND flight back to Phoenix was a LOT nicer.  Tanner fell asleep almost instantly and we were able to land with no trouble.

So, as I said before, we were originally supposed to land in Phoenix at 9 PM and we ended up getting home around 3:30 AM.  Nate was able to call in and get the day off so we all slept half the day to recover a little bit.  It ended up being a nice relaxing day as a family but we sure had to go through a lot to get it!  Anyway, thanks for reading my story.  It was fun for me to write about it and if nothing else I'll always have the memory of Tanner's first flight!       

New Approach

I've decided that my new approach to blogging will be to do just a little here and there so that I don't wait 2 months to post EVERYTHING all at once. And I realized today that I never posted our Halloween pictures so here they are. We hadn't decided what we wanted to be so at the last minute I decided we'd be face cards and I made the costumes at home using cheap supplies like paint markers and pillowcases. Nate & I were the King & Queen of Hearts and Tanner was the Jack.  :)  I am not the greatest at these sorts of things but considering my lack of artistic ability and time, they turned out okay.