If you're just here for the news you can skip to the last few paragraphs.  :)  I get a little long winded sometimes...

Heartache & Happiness

That is the perfect title for this post because it describes the past several months of my life perfectly.  My last update 6 months ago was about how I had been feeling a little blah and down in the dumps emotionally.  Well, what I knew at the time but didn’t share with the rest of the world is that it was mostly due to pregnancy related hormone changes. 

Yep, that’s right.  I think most of my closest friends and family knew I was pregnant but I hadn’t made it known to the world yet.  Unfortunately, the heartache of my life came toward the end of my first trimester.  The baby no longer had a heartbeat, even though I heard it pounding loud and clear only a few weeks earlier.  Hearing the ultrasound technician say the words, “the baby doesn’t have a heartbeat” is something I will never forget.  The way I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me is also something I will never forget.  I felt like I could cry for days. 

In the next couple of weeks, however, my mindset changed.  I no longer wanted to dwell on the loss but to understand what had happened and use the experience for good.  I knew I could only find peace if I put it in the Lord’s hands.  So I did.  I think for the first time in my life I was able to be grateful for an extremely difficult trial.  Sure there were some smaller trials in my past that I was able to look on the bright side of and appreciate the lesson there, but never anything big I had gone through.  I usually struggle to not just give up and say, “Why me???”  But my heart was hurting enough that I had to make this into a make me or break me type situation.  And I wanted it to make me. 

Finally, after a lot of prayer, I was able to see how the trial blessed our family in a strange way.  Of course it was not a blessing that we lost the baby but it brought our family closer.  It taught me that it’s okay to accept help sometimes (though I’m still working on this one).  It taught me that there are many people around me that love me and would do anything to help me.  It taught me to truly trust in the Lord and know that families are eternal. 

I know many people choose to keep these things private, and that’s fine.  As for me, I decided that I shouldn’t have to keep this to myself.  I didn’t do anything wrong, why should it be a secret?  I understand that sometimes it is easier if fewer people know so you’re not forced to have awkward conversations repeatedly.  But blogging about it isn’t forcing me to have an awkward conversation.  I can get it all out, express the pain, loss, love and heartbreak that I felt throughout this time in my life. 

I don’t know why we feel like we have to be strong and put on a happy face for the world all the time.  It’s okay to let people know you’re suffering.  It’s okay to ask for help sometimes and it’s definitely okay to not be perfect.  Why are we here if it isn’t to learn from our trials, and help others get through theirs?  These are the lessons I learned from this trial in my life and I wanted to put them out there into the universe because hopefully someone else can benefit from them.

Moving on to the HAPPINESS!  Nate and I are so excited that we’re expecting again.  I am 12 weeks today and due either at the end of May or beginning of June (I’m hoping for May :D).  We’ve already been to the doctor a few times and today we got to hear the heartbeat again (ALWAYS a relief) and see the little one wave to us in the ultrasound.  I think he was saying “Hi, Mom!  Sorry, I’m making you so sick!”  LOL.  Love having babies…HATE being pregnant!  But that’s the price we moms pay, right?  Anything for those little sweeties! 

Here’s the ultrasound from today.  A little fuzzy but you can see the babies hand sticking up and we could literally see it moving back and forth on the monitor like he was waving. 

 I say “he” just by default but we should find out in another 6 weeks what we’re having.  I’ll be sure to let you all know SOON!!  Sorry for the sporadic posting.  One day I’ll be a devoted and passionate blogger but as for now I’m just trying to get through each day alive!  :)  Love to you all!! 

Sometimes life is BLAH…

Ever find yourself feeling overwhelmed and you’re not even sure why???  I don’t completely understand this myself, yet that is how I am feeling.  What do you do when you are in a slump, feeling yucky, tired, unexcited about life?  I could use some suggestions.  (Although I probably already know the answers sometimes hearing them again helps… :D)
P.S. I know, I’m super cool for not updating my blog foorrrevvvER (Sandlot) and then when I do update it’s this lame excuse for a blog post.  But you’ll get over it.  

Idiota: Latin Word for Idiot

Nah, I just made that up.  Spanish, maybe?  I don't really know.  I just didn't want to title this post, "Hey, I'm an IDIOT!" even though that really is what I am.  I also considered the title, "Things That Go *BEEP* in the Night" but decided against it. 

I haven't been sleeping that great for a while now for different reasons.  I've been experiencing some back problems and our bed is getting old and less comfortable.  But one of the main reasons I've been feeling tired is really no ones fault but my own... 

Sunday night (or rather VERY early Monday morning) I was sound asleep until I heard an obnoxiously loud *BEEP* sound.  It took me a second to come to and realize that it was our smoke alarm.  It wasn't beeping constantly, just every minute or so to let us know that the battery was dying.  My first instinct was to smack Nate and say, "Hey, ya big lug, go take care of that!"  BUT I remembered quickly that he had to get up early and go distribute drugs to the people of America, so I didn't.  I also wondered how the heck he slept through that annoying sound!  

In my extremely sleepy state I got up and scrambled to pull the alarm down in the dark and buried the stupid thing under three pillows on the couch & decided I'd deal with it in the morning.  The next morning a friend stopped by to visit and I saw the pillow pile on the couch and remembered the alarm.  I moved it from the couch to the entertainment center so she and I could sit and visit and I intended on taking it apart once she had left.  But the thing never made a peep so I forgot about...all day long it sat quietly, just waiting for us to go to bed, get cozy and warm and fall into a deep and wonderful slee ZzzZzzzzzZzzzz........ *BEEP*!!!!!

It woke me up again!  So I repeated the same ordeal as the night before; scramble out of bed, freeze, grumble to myself as I walk to the entertainment center, try to find it in the dark, knock over a pile of dvd's...

Anyway, you get the picture.  And again I threw the loathsome, stupid thing on the couch and buried it under pillows VOWING that this time I would take care of it in the morning and I stumbled my way back to bed.  

Fast forward to the next morning....

I had just finished rushing around getting Nate off to work while Tanner played in the living room.  Nate had just left and all of a sudden I hear

*BEEP*BEEP*BEEP*BEEP*BEEP!

Tanner had found the dumb thing under the pillows and pressed the button to make it go off.  We were both going to be deaf soon so I hurried and grabbed it from him hit the button to make it stop and set it on the entertainment center so I could pick Tanner up since it had startled him.  Bet you can't guess what happened next......Yep, I forgot about it...again.  So basically it went like this again that night:

ZzzzZZzzzz.... *BEEP!* DANGIT!!!!!! 

So after three stupid nights of losing sleep because of my inability to just remember to take out one little battery, Nate took it out for me this morning and I am looking forward to getting a nice rest tonight.  GOOD NIGHT!