Heartache & Happiness

That is the perfect title for this post because it describes the past several months of my life perfectly.  My last update 6 months ago was about how I had been feeling a little blah and down in the dumps emotionally.  Well, what I knew at the time but didn’t share with the rest of the world is that it was mostly due to pregnancy related hormone changes. 

Yep, that’s right.  I think most of my closest friends and family knew I was pregnant but I hadn’t made it known to the world yet.  Unfortunately, the heartache of my life came toward the end of my first trimester.  The baby no longer had a heartbeat, even though I heard it pounding loud and clear only a few weeks earlier.  Hearing the ultrasound technician say the words, “the baby doesn’t have a heartbeat” is something I will never forget.  The way I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me is also something I will never forget.  I felt like I could cry for days. 

In the next couple of weeks, however, my mindset changed.  I no longer wanted to dwell on the loss but to understand what had happened and use the experience for good.  I knew I could only find peace if I put it in the Lord’s hands.  So I did.  I think for the first time in my life I was able to be grateful for an extremely difficult trial.  Sure there were some smaller trials in my past that I was able to look on the bright side of and appreciate the lesson there, but never anything big I had gone through.  I usually struggle to not just give up and say, “Why me???”  But my heart was hurting enough that I had to make this into a make me or break me type situation.  And I wanted it to make me. 

Finally, after a lot of prayer, I was able to see how the trial blessed our family in a strange way.  Of course it was not a blessing that we lost the baby but it brought our family closer.  It taught me that it’s okay to accept help sometimes (though I’m still working on this one).  It taught me that there are many people around me that love me and would do anything to help me.  It taught me to truly trust in the Lord and know that families are eternal. 

I know many people choose to keep these things private, and that’s fine.  As for me, I decided that I shouldn’t have to keep this to myself.  I didn’t do anything wrong, why should it be a secret?  I understand that sometimes it is easier if fewer people know so you’re not forced to have awkward conversations repeatedly.  But blogging about it isn’t forcing me to have an awkward conversation.  I can get it all out, express the pain, loss, love and heartbreak that I felt throughout this time in my life. 

I don’t know why we feel like we have to be strong and put on a happy face for the world all the time.  It’s okay to let people know you’re suffering.  It’s okay to ask for help sometimes and it’s definitely okay to not be perfect.  Why are we here if it isn’t to learn from our trials, and help others get through theirs?  These are the lessons I learned from this trial in my life and I wanted to put them out there into the universe because hopefully someone else can benefit from them.

Moving on to the HAPPINESS!  Nate and I are so excited that we’re expecting again.  I am 12 weeks today and due either at the end of May or beginning of June (I’m hoping for May :D).  We’ve already been to the doctor a few times and today we got to hear the heartbeat again (ALWAYS a relief) and see the little one wave to us in the ultrasound.  I think he was saying “Hi, Mom!  Sorry, I’m making you so sick!”  LOL.  Love having babies…HATE being pregnant!  But that’s the price we moms pay, right?  Anything for those little sweeties! 

Here’s the ultrasound from today.  A little fuzzy but you can see the babies hand sticking up and we could literally see it moving back and forth on the monitor like he was waving. 

 I say “he” just by default but we should find out in another 6 weeks what we’re having.  I’ll be sure to let you all know SOON!!  Sorry for the sporadic posting.  One day I’ll be a devoted and passionate blogger but as for now I’m just trying to get through each day alive!  :)  Love to you all!!